To Surpass Herself
by The-Cursed-Daughter
Summary: P.S. Shikamaru, I'm sorry you couldn't save me. But thank you for taking me seriously enough to try.
1. Chapter 1

_Hi. I'm Kit. You might know me and my co-writer Violet from our Hellboy fics, or maybe not._

_This is my first foray into Naruto fanfiction, and this definitely isn't the story I thought I'd be posting. I have several other Naruto stories that I've started working on, but I was catching up on reading Naruto. I just finished the twentieth book and I started thinking about Sakura._

_I never really liked Sakura. She was never one of my favorite characters. But I'm in a fairly dark place right now and started wondering how it must feel to be left in the dust as your teammates exploded with success. So I wrote this._

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing but my twisted thoughts.**_

_**Warnings: Allusions to suicide, but nothing graphic. Maybe a little swearing.**_

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><p>You won't miss me.<p>

I'm not trying to be pathetic. I'm not fishing for compliments, or for reassurances. There was a time for that, but it's now long gone. I'm just being honest. I, Haruno Sakura, will not be missed.

It took a long time for me to come to this decision—almost as long as it took me to finally grow up. Or maybe I haven't. I'll be eternally stuck here, while you all move on.

Who's reading this, I wonder? Naruto? Maybe. You probably came looking for me after I walked out of Tsunade-sama's office. Lee? You're still in the hospital, I hope. Kakashi-sensei? I doubt it. You have your hands full with Sasuke.

Sasuke? Why would you _bother_?

Why would any of you, really? Let's be honest, I was a drag, wasn't I? I'm always the one you had to protect. The one that was never really good at anything—and we can all agree that I was never good at anything.

But wait, you argue, aren't you smart?

How far has that gotten me? The first test of the Chuunin Exams? Where did being smart come into play when Orochimaru came for Sasuke? Or when Gaara attacked?

But aren't you strong?

Strong enough to what? To throw a kunai? To weave a sign? So are you.

How about the way you can control your chakra?

Please. Control doesn't matter when my two teammates can crumple solid steel water towers with uncontrolled rage.

Or maybe you're not asking any of this at all. Maybe you just don't care. And I'm not saying that for your pity. I'm not saying that to steep you in guilt. _I_ don't even care anymore.

You don't need me anymore. Sitting here, it makes me wonder if you ever needed me at all. And please, don't waste air at my funeral telling everyone how helpful and wonderful I was. No one will buy it. Will there even be a funeral? Will you even find my body? Will there be any of it left?

Please don't blame Gaara. Kiba once told me about his sand coffin—Gaara himself said that it was painless. I'll attack him in the dead of night, and he'll have every right to kill me. Thank him for me, for doing what I wasn't strong enough to do myself. I'd thought long and hard about how I was going to kill myself. I didn't want someone to walk in on my body swinging from the rafters. I didn't want to spoil a kunai. And contrary to popular belief, death by pills actually kills you by suffocating you with your vomit. I don't want any more pain.

Did any of you notice? Sasuke, did you finally see that I'd stopped chasing you? Lee, did you finally see that I wasn't brushing you off? Ino, did you see that I'd stopped calling you my rival? You won, by the way. You've beaten me simply by sticking around. By living.

Or maybe I win. Maybe I'm the one that's finally free. Free from judgment. Free from failure. Free from comparisons. Comparisons hurt the most. Haven't we all done that? I certainly have. That I'm not as smart as Sasuke, that I'm not as strong as Naruto, that I'm not as pretty as Ino, or as clever as Kakashi-sensei, or as dedicated as Lee. Did you ever do that to me? Have you ever looked at me and wished I wasn't so weak, because I have.

I always knew Sasuke was better than me, but it bites when even Naruto surpassed me. No offense, Naruto.

It bites, being the one that's overlooked. Which is selfish, I suppose—offing myself because I wasn't the special one anymore. Oh, wow. It hadn't really sunken in until now. Tomorrow, you're still going to be here...and I'm not.

Although I guess I'm ignoring the elephant in the room—have any of you even seen an elephant? I haven't—and it's _why_. _Why_, Sakura? _Why_ did you do it? _Why_ did you kill yourself? _Why_ didn't you talk to any of us? _Why_ didn't you let us help you?

Why should I?

Am I supposed to honestly believe that you would drop everything you were doing to hear me out? That you wouldn't judge me and call me weak because I couldn't handle the pressure of being a shinobi? That's bullshit, and we all know it.

I couldn't handle the pressure of _not_ being a shinobi, actually. I couldn't handle being superfluous. Being overlooked and dropped. Here I was, thinking I had just as much of a right to wear that headband as you.

Guess I was wrong. Guess I wasn't strong enough, or smart enough, or fast enough, or powerful enough to warrant your attention.

So the reason you're reading this is because I wanted to finally prove to _myself_ that I am, in fact, your equal. Because even if I didn't do it myself, I did the one thing that you, Sasuke, and you, Naruto, could never do.

I looked death in the eye and went with him because I _chose_ to.

P.S. Shikamaru, I'm sorry you couldn't save me. But thank you for taking me seriously enough to try.

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><p><em>I might do a second chapter. Prolly not. Depends on the reviewers. <em>

_Kit_


	2. Chapter 2

_Thanks for all the reviews. I decided to take your advice and add another chapter or two, just to wrap up the story. It's flattering that you guys want to read more. To explain the Shikamaru bit, I was just looking for a character that would prolly be out of the loop. Well, that and Shikamaru is awesome. I sort of considered TenTen, but I don't really like her much either.  
><em>

_Anyway, I'm well aware that this isn't all that well written, and definitely isn't my best work. I'm really just scribbling this to get over some writer's block, but I'm still pleased that people like it._

_Final note: I just barely watched some of the Naruto anime for the first time. I saw Gaara's fight with Kimimaro, and I must say I'm REALLY liking Gaara's voice._

**_Warnings/Disclaimers: Same as before._**

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><p>They awoke in the hospital, with no idea how they got there.<p>

Shikamaru was first, the pinch on needles in his skin and the incessant, tiresome noise of the machines he was hooked up to dragging him into consciousness.

_Wait—needles?_

The chuunin cracked an eye open slowly, wincing as glare from hospital lights cut into his eyes. "I'm in a hospital?"

Suddenly, "Yes, you are."

Shikamaru sighed. "Hearing voices is never good. How tiresome."

Out of nowhere, again, Tsunade's voice was sharp. "Sit up, Shikamaru. You have some explaining to do."

Another sigh, and the shinobi leaned forward on his elbows, muscles screaming in protest. Three feet to his left, a glass wall partitioned him from a very angry Tsunade. "What's with the wall?"

Tsunade didn't quite meet his eyes, her gaze focusing on something behind him. "It's for protection, Shikamaru."

"Protection from what...?" Shikamaru followed her gaze. Across the room from him, Sabaku no Gaara was unconscious on a hospital bed, wire and monitors pulsing as he breathed. Shikamaru shot back into his pillow and jerked back to Tsunade. "Whoa! No matter what I did, there's no _way_ I deserve to be stuck with him!"

The Hokage glared down at him. "The glass is for _your_ protection. I doubt he'll harm you—his injuries are as extensive as yours."

It finally crossed Shikamaru's mind to wonder what exactly he was doing in a hospital bed. Slowly, he looked himself over and marveled at the strength of his pain medication. His left arm and leg were both heavily bandaged, and his entire torso was one giant bruise. Catching his reflection in the glass, a half-swollen monstrosity of a face stared back at him. "I don't—" Deep breath. "What happened?"

Tsunade sighed and her hand moved out of the shinobi's line of sight. A door hissed open before her. As she sat down on the edge of his bed, she explained, "Naruto happened. Sasuke's in the hospital, too, but he's not hurt as bad."

_Naruto?_ Shikamaru's forehead wrinkled as he arched an eyebrow, ignoring the accompanying zing of pain. "Naruto kicked the shit out of Sasuke? Me?" He jerked a thumb at the sleeping sand-nin across the room. _"Him?" _When the woman didn't answer, he huffed. "Why?"

He watched, wary, as Tsunade pulled a single sheet of paper out of her pocket, handing it to him. A cold shiver of dread slithered down his spine as his eyes rooted on the postscript. Without reading the rest of the note, he knew exactly what this was. "I didn't know she was serious."

"It says here that you did."

The shinobi scowled, tossing the paper away from him and glaring as it fluttered harmlessly to the ground. "That's not what I meant. It's just—" he groaned, rubbing his eyes. "It was _Sakura_, alright? We all know how she could be! She's overdramatic, and hasty and moody!" Shikamaru paused, chuckling grimly. "But that's not an excuse, is it? She came to me about a week ago, and I thought that I'd talked her out of it. I'd never really talked to her before, and I guess that's why she picked me. I wouldn't have even have noticed that anything was wrong if she hadn't said anything. She always seemed so—"

"So happy," Tsunade finished for him. "That's what Lee said."

"Is he the one that found the note?"

Tsunade looked pained. "Unfortunately."

Shikamaru swallowed thickly, suddenly finding it almost impossible to breathe around the lump in his throat. "Was—was there a body?"

"_No."_

Both Tsunade and Shikamaru jumped. Gaara had sat up and swung his feet over the edge of the bed, ripping tubes out of his arms as sand swirled agitatedly around his legs. Tsunade crossed over to him quickly. "Stop that!" When the sand-nin ignored her, she slammed her fist into the wall above his bed. "I will restrain you if necessary."

Gaara's eyes burned into hers—Shikamaru couldn't help but flinch at the look on his face. He cleared his throat, and the two other ninja glanced back at him. "What do you mean, there's no body?"

Tsunade's gaze back on him, Gaara lowered his head into his hands. "It was dark. I just reacted. She was _good_. Fast. But not fast enough, which is what she wanted, I'm guessing. I didn't even see her face before the sand—"

Shikamaru's mouth was dry. "You _killed_ her?"

"No!" Gaara's harsh voice cracked. "I had no choice!"

The other ninja was on his feet before he realized that his left leg wouldn't hold his weight. From the floor, he snapped, "Of course you fucking had a choice!"

Sand shot for Shikamaru before Gaara pulled it back, a pained expression contorting his face. "You've seen how the sand moves. She was encased in sand before I even knew who it was."

"And you didn't even _look_?" Shikamaru hauled himself up to sit on the edge of his bed. "What kind of idiot _are_ you?"

Gaara shot upright, wobbling on unsteady legs, and took a step as smoke exploded from the center of the room. The jonin that burst through it look frazzled. "Tsunade-sama, he's here. One of the nurses told him that these two are awake, and he barreled his way up to this floor."

Shikamaru and Gaara exchanged confused glances. The Konoha ninja asked, "What are you talking about?"

Before Tsunade could answer him, a wave of enraged chakra flooded the room, and Shikamaru's vision flashed red as the glass wall shattered in the chakra's wake. As his sight slowly returned, he heard sand slithering upward as Gaara growled.

"Naruto."

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><p><em>Next chapter will prolly be the last. Enjoy and review.<em>

_Kit_


	3. Chapter 3

_So, I lied. Next chapter will be the last one. Turns out this writer's block is harder to get over than I had hoped. Sorry this is short._

**_Warnings/Disclaimers: The usual. Some violence, nothing too bad._**

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><p><em>Gaara wasn't sure why, but it got darker at night in Konoha than in Suna. That's why he liked it here as much as he did. Of course, Suna was his homeland, but the dark nights of the Leaf village were comforting. On business as the new Kazekage, there were less people trying to kill him here. <em>

_Behind him, a tree branch snapped ominously._

Or maybe not.

_A shadow shot from behind him, and his sand rose to intercept a wave of kunai heading for his face. His adversary disappeared back into the trees for a fragment of a second before swinging around the trunk to reach for his neck, chakra streaming from their—her?—fingertips. Gaara leaned back as the sand snatched for the thin wrist, but again, the shadow was already gone._

Damn. She's fast.

_But not fast enough. Shoes scraped on the shingles behind him, and the sand had encased his attacker before Gaara turned around. "Nice try, but I don't time for this."_

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><p>"I'm going to fucking <em>kill<em> you!"

Red chakra swirled around the room, and Tsunade and the jonin were quick to block the Naruto's path. Shikamaru backed closer to Gaara's bed, his fingers flexing to prepare for a jutsu.

"Naruto," Tsunade began, "If you come any closer, we're going to have to hurt you—"

The genin's voice was rough and feral. "You're fucking _dead_!"

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><p>"<em>You're fucking dead!"<em>

_The fist punched through the sand before Gaara could blink, slamming him to the ground. A foot rushed up to meet him, but this time the sand did catch it, twisting it away from the sand-nin and he leapt to his feet. But Naruto had already turned away from him to lunge at Shikamaru, snarling as he clocked the chuunin in the jaw._

_Something caught him on the back of the head, and Gaara saw stars. _Shit. A doppelganger._ Sand compacted into shurikens, giving him a moment to breathe as the fake—real?—Naruto dodged. Behind him, Gaara could hear Naruto snarling as Shikamaru fended him off._

"_Naruto! Stop!" Sakura screamed. _

Sakura?

_Gaara paused as he got to his feet. No, that wasn't Sakura; it was that other one. Iro? No, Ino. So where was Sakura?_

_Naruto's sandal whistled towards him, and Gaara almost—_almost_—flinched as a hand reached out to catch it, inches from his face. "Naruto-kun, stop, please. You need to calm down."_

"_No, Lee! _No!_" The scratches on the jinchuuriki's cheeks deepened. "They killed her!"_

"_Killed who? What are you _talking_ about?" Shikamaru sat up, wiping blood from his chin as Neji held off the doppelganger._

_Naruto growled, refusing to answer. There was a long pause before the blood drained from Shikamaru's face. "Oh God, she—" With a hard cough, his eyes rolled back into his head and he sank to the ground._

_Gaara spit grit and dirt from his mouth. "What's going on? What happened?"_

_Naruto glare shot back to him, and, never looking away from the sand-nin, he grabbed Lee's shoulder and flung him away. "How fucking could you?"_

_And then everything was black._

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><p>"How <em>could<em> you?"

Suddenly, all of the fox's chakra drained from the room, and the sudden absence sent a chill down Gaara's spine. Naruto dropped to his knees, and Tsunade reluctantly lowered her hands.

Naruto was crying now. "How could you do that? I thought—_why?_" A week ago, Gaara would have said that the look on the genin's face was pathetic. "Why would you _kill_ her?"

Shikamaru sighed—Gaara has almost forgotten he was standing next to him. "It was an accident."

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><p><em>Review, please. I enjoy your feedback.<em>

_Kit_


	4. Chapter 4

_Why yes, I am a bad person for not updating. But life is life, and I'm here now, so it sorta makes up for it. Also, Vi says hi._

_This is the last chapter...this story turned out far longer than I thought it would be. I'm well aware it's not my best work, but it's the best I can do right now. I tried to include some review comments in there, but either way, it's done. Hope you like it._

_**Warning/Disclaimers: All the usual. I own nothing but the plot.**_

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><p>"<em>Shikamaru?"<em>

_The chuunin glanced up from his book, surprised someone had hunted him down this far in the woods. "Eh? Oh, Sakura. Hi."_

_She smiled brightly, flopping down on a branch across from him. "How're you?" _

_A__ disturbing __thought __flashed__ through__ Shikamaru__'__s __mind._There's something wrong with her voice.

_Now Shikamaru was a bit worried. "I'm...fine." He cleared his throat. "No offense, Sakura, but why are you here?"_

"_Oh," Saukra laughed, and again the shadow-nin was struck by how odd it sounded. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean to bother you. I just wanted to sit outside for a while, is all."_

_Shikamaru went back to his book. "There are thirty thousand trees nearby." He was met by silence. He glanced up again, to see that the medic-nin wasn't even looking at him anymore. "Sakura?"_

"_I don't think I want to live here anymore."_

_The chunin paused halfway through flipping a page. "In Konoha?"_

_Sakura glanced over at him, still smiling—it was beginning to scare Shikamaru. "No. I mean, I don't think I want to live anywhere anymore. At all."_

_There__ was __a __long __silence __before __it __clicked. __Shikamaru __set __his __book__ down __altogether.__ "__Sakura, __are __you __sure __you __understand__ what __you __just __said?__" __Suddenly, __the __weirdness __in__ Sakura__'__s __behavior __made __sense. __She __sounded _dead.

"_I—I think I do." She shrugged. "I've thought about it for a long time."_

_Shikamaru dragged a hand through is hair—how was he supposed to handle this? "Have you talked to anyone about it?"_

_Sakura threw her head back, peals of hysterical laughter ripping themselves from her throat until tears ran down her cheeks. "Who?" her voice cracked._

"_I—I'm glad you came to me, then." The chuunin smiled, his stomach roiling. "Is there any way I can help you?" He paused, sighing. "I don't think it should end like this for you."_

_Sakura stood, still smiling. "You've helped, Shikamaru. As much as anyone can."_

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><p>"She came to talk to me. I tried to help, Naruto, I really did, but I think that by then her mind was really made up. She wouldn't let me help her. She...she left before I could really get her to talk." Shikamaru grimaced. "She was smiling. The whole time."<p>

"That's what she does!" The scars on Naruto's cheeks began to furrow before he took a deep breath. "She smiles because she's _happy_!"

"Obviously not, Naruto."

The genin's glare shot to Gaara. "You're a filthy liar! You said you'd change!"

"I _did_." Gaara's voice was rough, and the sand swirled agitatedly at his feet.

"You _killed_ her!" Naruto took a step towards them.

Tsunade intercepted quickly. "She killed _herself_, Naruto. Sakura knew that Gaara is here as a guest, and as honorary-Kazekage. He had every right to attack what he thought was a legitimate threat."

Red chakra began to swirl again as Naruto clenched and unclenched his fists, trying to stay under control. "It wasn't a legitimate threat," he ground out, "it was _Sakura_."

"He couldn't have known that."

Gaara's voice cut through the following silence. "It was painless. She didn't feel anything, I promise."

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><p><em>Something was very, very wrong.<em>

"_Sakura is never late," Kakashi commented absently as he strolled into the noodle house, twenty minutes late. _

_Sasuke glanced up from his book as Naruto scarfed down noodles. "You're one to talk."_

_Kakashi shrugged and slid into the booth. "She'll be along soon, I'm sure." Gesturing for Naruto to hand him the menu, he continued, "Didn't you walk her home yesterday, Naruto?"_

_Naruto paused, the chopsticks halfway to his mouth. "No." A wet noodle flopped on the table as he pointed in Sasuke's general direction. "She said that she was walking home with Sasuke."_

"_Why the hell would I walk her home, dobe?" _

_The genin slammed his chopsticks down and started to rise out of his seat. Kakashi flipped the menu over, pointedly ignoring his two genin. "What's your fucking problem, Sasuke?"_

_Sasuke stood. "I'm not the one with the—"_

"_Sasuke-kun, Naruto-kun," The shinobi looked over at the door, "Kakashi-sensei. I have something you need to see."_

_The Uchiha didn't waver. "Not now, Lee. Dobe and I are busy."_

_Lee__ didn__'__t __budge __either.__ "__N-No,__ Sasuke-kun. __You _need _to __see __this. _Now_.__"_

_Kakashi frowned, creasing his face mask. "Lee? What happened?"_

_The two genin took a good look at Lee. He was recovering well, but his forehead was creased with worry wrinkles and his eyes were red. His entire body shook, and his chest was heaving—did he run all the way here? There was a paper in his hand, wrinkled and crumpled to the shape of his fist. _

_Something__ was __very, _very _wrong._

"_Lee?"_

_The genin's voice shook almost as hard as his hand as he gave Kakashi the paper. "You need to read this."_

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><p>The strength suddenly seemed to seep out of Naruto, and he slumped to his knees. "Why did she do it?" There was a pause before he asked, quieter, "Was it my fault?"<p>

Shikamaru and Gaara exchanged glances—they hadn't expected that. Neither had Tsunade. "Oh, Naruto," her voice was uncharacteristically soft, "I don't know."

He shook his head. "It was. Mine. Mine and Sasuke's. It was our fault. We did this."

Shikamaru rubbed the back of his neck, wincing as it pulled on sore muscles. "I don't think she would want you to blame yourself. She wasn't like that."_ But__ then__ again, __she__ did __a__ lot __of __things __no __one__ ever __expected __her __to __do._

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><p>"<em>Take it back!"<em>

_Sasuke snorted. "Why? It's true."_

_The__ noodle __house __was __in __shambles, __Kakashi, __Lee__, and __the __workers __a__ safe __distance __away __from__ the __warring __genin. __Sasuke __held __the __weathered __note __in __his __hand__ as __Naruto __snarled __several __feet __away.__ "__It__'__s__ so __stupid. __This __whole __note __is__ just __a__ stupid __rant. __She __was __weak. __She __didn__'__t _deserve _to __be __a __genin.__"_

"_Take__ it _back_!__" __Naruto __roared, __lunging__ for __the __Uchiha._

_Sasuke __stepped __backward, __a__ smirk __stretching __his __face.__ "__No. __Are __you__ going __to _make _me, __dobe?__"_

_Naruto trembled with rage, and vaguely heard Kakashi ushering the noodle house employees and Lee to safety before the fox snickered and his world flooded red._

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><p>Gaara sat back on his cot. "When is the funeral?"<p>

Naruto studied him, surprised. "I-I don't know. I think Kakashi-sensei and Lee are figuring it out."

"I think we should go. All of us." The sand-nin shook his head. "We're all to blame. All of us. Even her. She should at least hear us out one last time."

Shikamaru arched an eyebrow—he never pegged the Kazekage as a spiritual type. "You think she'll be there? Watching us or something?"

Slowly, Tsunade nodded. "That sounds like a good plan. We should do that—we should all speak at her funeral."

Naruto shook his head. "The note," he paused again, wracking his brain for the words, "the note said that she didn't want a funeral. We should honor her wishes."

There was a long silence before Shikamaru laughed. His voice sounded harsher than he meant it to. "Why start now?"

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><p><em>I tried to end on a bit of a harsh, bittersweet note. Reviews would be nice.<em>

_Kit_


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